Hard Truths Pt. 2

I'm not sure what my fucking problem is.  I mess with the most disgusting niggas.  Like, really ain't shit niggas.  So fucking annoying, ugly, retarded, weird, dysfunctional.... fuck... BROKE ass niggas!!! And I think I pick them out like that on purpose.  Why do I feel like I don't deserve nice, well-groomed and articulated men?  Why do I feel like less?  Has my self esteem been so low that I am willing to settle for anything at all?  I feel like sometimes I sabotage myself on purpose.  I could have a lot more self control, a lot more self respect but instead I lower my value and fuck with these clowns.  Later I'll either feel really shitty about it or pretend to be nonchalant; I'll still laugh as if it doesn't bother me.  I laugh as if a lot doesn't bother me when it does.  I use the laughter as a defense mechanism: don't seem too alarmed, but don't seem completely clueless.  If they think that you're mature or patient enough to handle anything they will try you, of course.  However, if you show them a little dominance every now and again, they'll still feel as though they are in control, they will show you more affection as you resist.  It's all a part of the game.  I think that over the course of time I have forgotten the object of the game: manipulate and mislead.  I always end up having the game turned around on me.  I'm starting to wonder if it's because I'm stupid, because I have a guilty conscience, or because I think about the possible pleasure instead of the consequences.  I've been doing so much stupid and wild shit.  It's a wonder that I'm even still alive.  I'm not sure what has been happening with me or why I am like this, but I want it to stop.  I need it to stop.  I'm about to get myself right with God.  I feel as though my life would go a whole lot better because I have purpose in God, a reason to be the best that I can be.  And maybe that's why I've been so lazy yet intelligent in school: I didn't have my parents getting on my ass about the grades I made.  They were just happy that I went to school, and bragged on me because I was smart, not because of the actual grades I had made.  And once I learned how to lie to other people about my grades slacking became easy.  I could always say that I had average grades and that it made me upset to do so.  And rest assured, I would do better next time.  That shit is never true but I can't stop saying it.  I can't stop lying.  I've watched people lie so much that it's become a science.  I know exactly how to do it and get away with it.  I need help.