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What do I really want?

I'm so sick of being on my bullshit.  At this point I feel like I just need to fucking get it together.  Inconsistency is a disability and a disease for me.  The shit is crippling.  Because it's like I know exactly what I would like to do and how, it's just the follow through that I fuck up on.  (Side note: I'm learning a lot of these lessons from church and in the Bible so that really makes me question a lot regarding religion and faith & everything else but that's another post).  So anyway, I keep starting things strong and then not finishing as well... I'm going to stop asking myself the same dumb ass questions over & over again.  I think that I just hate putting in the effort, especially when I'm not 100% sure of the outcome.  If I actually know how it's going to play out then I don't mind doing it.  But the not knowing, I can't get over that shit.  It's scary.  I don't respond well to the "unknown" or the "not knowing". I'm actually kind of excited today, especially because I've been putting things into practice.  It feels like shit is gonna go the right way from now on... whatever the "right way" is.  I think that happiness won't actually be hard to attain.. if I really want it.  And I think that I do.  I definitely do.  So it's gonna be what I want it to be, starting right now.  Saying what I actually think feels like a tremendous amount of effort, but being real saves me a lot of guesswork, a lot of stress, a lot of everything.  I'm about to do the damn thing.

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I may not even read these but shoot.

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