Be intentional with yourself

Mannie told me some much needed to hear, very real shit today.  I wanted to cry but I managed to keep my composure and for that I am proud.  He started to remind me of who I am and who I always was meant to be.  I did have those standards and expectations that he's been talking about but I felt as though I wasn't worthy of those.  I'm not sure why I'm not confident in myself, why I don't value myself the way that I should.  I guess this all stems from the issue of me not loving myself.  There's a lot of things that I'm supposed to be doing but I don't do them because I convince myself that I may as well not try.  I may as well give up, let go, move on.  Sometimes I may as well just block people or cut them out of my life.  It's happened to me so many times that I've just decided to accept what I'm given and be grateful for that.  I lost my values and my morals in the process.  So who am I now?  This woman-child that can barely step up to do the things that she literally has to do?  This person who is barely motivated to exist, yet is expected to thrive in the world?  Alone?  Why do I feel so alone even when surrounded by people?  Is that right?  Shouldn't I feel love and comfort when around other people?  Instead I feel the need to cover my smile and act as if it isn't bothering me.  I think that I love TahGee so much because he accepted me as I was.  Flaws and all.. the problem with him comes when I want to change and try to become the woman that I am supposed to be.  He gets scared because he isn't ready to be the man that he's supposed to be.  And my pushing becomes as aggressive as his resistance until we eventually fall apart.  So what does that mean for us?  Sometimes I feel like I should leave him alone because we seem to be either no good or too good for each other.  We never seem just right.  And maybe that's because we're too similar in all the wrong ways.  I can't say that him and I cam have conversations about things that I truly care about.  I can't get him to watch certain things and go to certain events and enjoy being there with me.  And maybe that's okay, but we stunt each other's growth.  And I'm going to keep that in mind and have that conversation with him in person.  Back to Mannie, he basically told me that I am not on his level enough to be his girlfriend.  And honestly?  I feel the same way.  I'm not ready to be pushed into the world, even though I obviously need to get there.  I feel as if it is something that I can do at a comfortable pace.  Meanwhile Mannie believes that it's going to take me at least 2 years to get my shit together.  which might not be that bad because 2 years is not as long of a period of time as I used to believe.  Time literally zooms by for some reason and a lot of us have noticed.  I'm going to get some sleep now since I'm getting up to go get my shirt from Wendys.  I'll write more later.