Skip to main content

Go Backwards

I feel mangled and hurt on the inside.  I'm not sure if I'm in denial or not.  But I am truly feelings all over the place, I know that for sure.  This boy is trying to make me believe that I gave him chlamydia and I feel in my soul that I did not.  I just don't believe that this has happened to me.  So am I in denial?  And when are things a sign & when are they just life?  Friday seems like such a long time away.  But perhaps that will give me time to come to terms with the fact that this is life and this does happen to people.  And if it has happened to me, which I pray to God that it hasn't (Sorry Eric), then it's definitely a learning experience.  I'm also going to go ahead and get on the birth control because as much as I see young people having children, that's not something that I want for myself.  That's what I have Jaxson for.  He's enough responsibility by himself.  And I'm very glad to have him.  Now the marriage thing that I keep seeing does make me slightly sad.  Because I do feel like I deserve someone to love and care about me that much but you know what?  It probably just isn't my time right now.  And that's okay because I need to work on myself before I can love someone else.  If I don't love myself then they won't love me either.  So we're definitely going to build up the woman that I intend to be before sharing her with someone else.  What does the woman I want to be look like for me though?  Independent, smart, goal-driven, inspired and inspiring... all things that are attainable if I really put my mind to it and put the work in for it to happen.  The bill collectors are really starting to get on my damn nerves.  Clearly I don't have any money.. which is another problem in itself.  But I'm not ready to get into work yet.  And don't I deserve some time to heal and get myself together?  Even though I'm not exactly in a position to do that but still.. I can only work on so much at a time before it becomes overkill.  So as of now I'm going to work on what I can, day by day, and take life for what it is giving me.  I really need to put some focus on what I'm giving myself.

Comments

Post a Comment

I may not even read these but shoot.

Popular posts from this blog

Do You Think I'm Ugly?

I've never met a man bold enough to ask me that.  Most will just say it casually, "I'm ugly af but I'll treat you right" or some other stupid shit.  Why?  Because they want you to say "You're not ugly bae".  Bullshit ass validation that they probably seek from every person they come into contact with.  And I'm making it a general "they" instead of saying "he" because women do the same shit.  I think most times that woman complain about men is because they are upset that men are capable of going through some of the same frustrating experiences as them, and it's definitely vice versa.  People are very fucked up.  For some reason I keep finding myself struggling to figure out if I'm a fucked up person or not.  It's something that I think about a lot...  but back on track.  Today, well yesterday (it's 1:30 in the morning right now), I had barely even said hello to N's cousin before convincing myself that he was...
Post a Comment
Read more

06/22 Friday

Today I went got tested for STDs again and got back on the depo shot.  I feel like it's been long overdue and honestly the whole family aspect of life isn't what's important to me right now.  What matters most is that I can get it together so I can become the lawyer and the overall woman that I aspire to be.  I'm in college, that means eventually I want to have a career.  I cannot be a successful woman if I do not start now.  That might be where all of my issues are coming from.  To begin, I think that I'm going to have to get consistent with my life and stay that way.  I used to feel like the planned life was not enough for me.  But living on a whim hasn't exactly made me the person that I want to be.  Being who I am, which I believe is the person that I'm trying to get to, is going to be the most rewarding part of life.  I'm looking forward to becoming Ms. Trenisha Stewart.  She seems like a very bright young lady with a nice futu...
Post a Comment
Read more

Breakthrough or Nah?

I think that I may have just had a breakthrough and it's scary good... like... what if I haven't progressed.. okay not even what if.  I haven't moved forward in life because I've been living it the same way this entire time.  I've been too afraid to come out, too afraid to live life the right way.  Scared of what people think I look like, sound like, talk/walk/breathe like.  Paranoid about every single thing.  And why?  Because of a few failures?  A few bad experiences?  Who the fuck even does this shit?  There are so many people that I think are on the same level of life as me but they're not.  They're out there, confident, living in the real world.  I'm not sure why I can't do the same thing.  I think that I'm pretty amazing on the inside.  But you know what?  No one knows that.  No one wants to be a part of who I am.. and that may just be because I don't want to be who I am.  I need to figure out the solu...
Post a Comment
Read more