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It's The 1st of the Month

I'm not really sure where I was trying to go with this post last night.  I felt like I should just close the laptop and get some sleep, so that's what I did.  Now I'm up and I can't really think.  All I remember is that I had some burst of hope and energy last night that I was hoping to cling to for the rest of the month.  That's not to say that I don't still feel that way, I might... it's just harder than usual for me to keep the spirit up today.  One thing I will say is that I'm recognizing my problems and my symptoms, so that's a start.
I am sad.  Deeply sad.  And I'm not really sure how to fight it.  I would say that I'm trying my best but that's not true.  My counselor has me thinking hard about how I operate from a place of empty.  But I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to fix that.  I'm struggling really hard.  I miss TahGee.  He always made me feel better when I got like this.  He always motivated me to do better and to be better.  He was always the warmth that I needed to stop feeling so dead inside.  And now he's gone.  Because I made him go.  Even though he was being fucked up to me and that's why I felt the way that I did.  Now I'm thinking about going back home for the rest of the summer because I'm having such a hard time here.
I'm back.  This post took up 3 days.  Three days that I could have been using to be productive but instead I've been drowning in a pool of anxiety and depression that even the daily prozac hasn't been able to defeat.  I thought that if I smoked it would get better but fucking Ray isn't exactly making my life any better.  This post is finished.  I have another.

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