Today I needed to talk and the only person available was Stephen, who seems to be getting distant more and more these days but I'm not going to push him. Anyway, I was telling him about the things that plague my mind and he told me that he notices how my mind controls me instead of me controlling my mind. And that makes a lot of sense. I have been being controlled by my emotions because my logic has been fucked up. People have been getting inside of my mind, confusing me, making me lose focus. Today I realized that it is definitely up to me to change things. That means my life in its entirety. I'm going to start by securing this job and getting serious about my health because that's all that keeps me here at the end of the day. He was right, without taking care of my health eventually there will be no me. Now I am right to feel overwhelmed because going through all these motions alone is scary and stressful for the most part. But making the journey alone is what should be special about it. To be able to say "I did it. I'm here." and not owe anyone a thing for it. I can't remember when I stopped striving hard to accomplish the things that I know I deserve, the things I know are destined for me. But that's not important. What I need to be trying to remember is the knowledge that I have in this moment. I know what I need to do and how I need to do it. So now the time to execute has come. I have to start believing in myself. I have to get to know Jesus and get closer to God to be the woman that I know I can be. And now I have Jaxson and he needs me. I chose to go and get him so I can't sit back and fail, he's counting on me. And I want to be the best mom that I can be. I talked to TahGee today, that has me lowkey in my feelings but I'm not exactly sure what I want to do about it just yet. Later.
I've never met a man bold enough to ask me that. Most will just say it casually, "I'm ugly af but I'll treat you right" or some other stupid shit. Why? Because they want you to say "You're not ugly bae". Bullshit ass validation that they probably seek from every person they come into contact with. And I'm making it a general "they" instead of saying "he" because women do the same shit. I think most times that woman complain about men is because they are upset that men are capable of going through some of the same frustrating experiences as them, and it's definitely vice versa. People are very fucked up. For some reason I keep finding myself struggling to figure out if I'm a fucked up person or not. It's something that I think about a lot... but back on track. Today, well yesterday (it's 1:30 in the morning right now), I had barely even said hello to N's cousin before convincing myself that he was...
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I may not even read these but shoot.