Thoughts

Today has been full of surprises to say the least.  Eric texted me to say that he has Chlamydia and he's insisting that he got it from me.  All that was going through my mind is how the fuck did this happen to me and why did I let it?  I'm hoping deep down that he is alone in this because this is not something that I want to experience.  This is not something that I want to have to share with someone.  So I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood for Friday but I really want to go somewhere immediately.  I'm going to take a deep breath, relax, and pray on the situation until then.  It's really my own reckless behavior that has made me vulnerable enough to be in this situation.  Before I decided to risk it all, I never had to worry about any shit like this.  My biggest worry was getting pregnant.  Now I've been going against my better instincts and knowledge and am in the zone for having an STD.  I didn't tell Paris because I honestly don't want this to be so.  I don't want this to be happening to me.  I wish I had never even done any of the things that I've been doing, honestly.  So much that I could have spared myself from.  All this time that I've been putting into trying not to be alone has lead me to be more closed off than before.  More unhappy than before.  I can't honestly say "I'm living my best life" because I'm not truly living one.  I have been locked away inside the depths of my mind and the wrangled mess that is my heart.  All I want is to get to peace.  Paris spent some time explaining how peace is necessary, deserved, and already at our disposal.  I've just got to stop depriving myself of that.  What does a better me look like for tonight?  Tomorrow? Etc?  What can I do to make this happen.  Time has not been waiting for me, life has continued to go on while I've been stagnant inside the darkness that is my head.  So what am I going to do now?  I tell myself that "We're working on it", well I take that back.. I tell other people that I'm working on it.  But when will I actually work on it?  Actually put forth the effort and energy necessary to produce change?  I want to say that I'm working on it right now, being present in this moment and knowing exactly what it is that I need to do is helping me to remain sort of clear in the head.  That clarity is what I've been chasing for a while now.  She made sooo many good points today.  What I feel I do or don't deserve is extremely important and it's not something that I give conscious thought to.  Subconsciously I'm all over the place too, or at least I was.  The mind has definitely got to be one of the most powerful tools in the world.  When I gain control of mine, there's nothing that can hold me back from the greatness that I know I deserve.  I'm going to keep my log of self-work in a notebook because this blog is just to get my feelings out so that I don't explode.  But doing the actual work is going to require hard work, sacrifice, discipline, and determination.