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Dear God

Hey.. I know I haven't talked to you in a while.. well not actually talked and I'm sorry about that.  I've been wrapped up in my head and this "life" that I've been living.. I'm tired.  Tired of trying so hard to remind myself that I am worthy of love.  That I am someone worth loving.  That I should love myself.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm not moving forward in life.  All I want to do is be happy.  But it always seems like it's not possible for me.  And I think about things that I could do differently and how I could make my life better but it's hard for me to stay focused and motivated enough to do those things.  I find myself wanting to give up a lot.  But if I give up then there's no turning back.. I'll have died without living first.  There's so many things that I wish I had but I just don't have them.  There's so much that I regret from this life.  So many things that Ive done and keep doing that just makes me sick.  There's a lot of disgusting things that I've done that I don't even think about.  I don't ever think about any of it for the most part.  I just keep moving in the loop.  Keep trying to start over.  I wish I could pick a mode.  Instead of always alternating between carefree and stressed out.  But I don't think that it's that black & white.  I'm a lost soul.  And this is something that I knew already of course, but I just figured that something would have changed by now.  I thought that maybe I would have done something just a little bit differently.  I feel like a failure.  Worthless. Stupid.  Good for nothing.  All those things that I've heard too many times to count.  Feels like I lost and they were right...

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